Tormented Minds - Jac and Jonny
by Tobiiiaaas
Summary: Jac and Jonny have a history. A history that lingers between them, tormenting their minds as they struggle to realise what they truly want. Do they have a future?
1. Chapter 1

Jac

Jac Naylor scowled. It was approaching half past two in the morning on a particularly laborious night shift. To make things worse, Mo had drunk the last of the coffee. Feeling distinctly decaffeinated, Jac covered her mouth to disguise a loud yawn as she scanned through her patient's notes. Ten minutes to go, she thought to herself with a cursory glance at the dark and quiet Darwin Ward. Forty minutes and she could go home and sleep. The thought of sleep made her feel even more tired so Jac hurriedly focussed her mind upon Mr. Georges and his upcoming bypass operation the following day.

"You're a sight for sore eyes," Mr. Georges said as he clapped eyes upon Jac.

"How are you feeling?" Jac said in a rehearsed manner as though she was working on autopilot.

"I'm fine, honestly, tickety boo," he replied with a toothy smile.

"No worsening symptoms?"

"Nope."

"Nausea, headaches, shortness of breath?"

"Like I told you ms, I'm fine."

"We still have to check," Jac said as she stifled another yawn.

"You look half dead yourself, and I thought I was the ill one," Mr. Georges said, his manner full of concern.

"Just the night shift," Jac explained. "And no coffee."

"Ah yes coffee. I used to work night shifts all the time, couldn't get through it without a couple of cups of coffee." He chuckled quietly to himself.

"We ran out before I had a chance," Jac frowned. She looked over her shoulder.

"Something on your mind?" Mr. Georges enquired.

"It's nothing," Jac said in a hurry. "Well, if you're sure you're okay, I've got paperwork to catch up on for the next half hour." She tiptoed away without waiting for Mr. Georges to respond.

As Jac sat down to fill out form after form after form, she found her mind wondering to other things. Her hand worked without thought, filling each form in and filing it away in the drawer beside the pile. Jonny. Jac shook her head. This was not the time to be thinking of him, or his accent for that matter as a stray thought entered her mind. It was a nice accent though, Jac told herself. She couldn't help herself, she smiled. Jac paused, clutching a form between her thumb and forefinger, pondering if Jonny was thinking about her. He probably wasn't, she thought with a sad sigh. He barely looked at her these days. He wouldn't even talk to her alone. Jac placed the form into the drawer. What do I do? I need him to be there for me, for us. But he doesn't want anything to do with me? I need to tell him I'm sorry. He'll never believe you, said a second voice in her head. Jac's mind was fighting furiously with itself. You're nothing to him now. You had your chance with him and you blew it. Jac clenched her fist around the pen. There's always a chance, if you give up you'll never know what could have been. The pen nib was digging into her skin but Jac was too wrapped up in her thoughts to notice.

Stop wasting your life, his life. You have to let him go. Accept that it was never meant to be and let you both move on from this. But I don't want to move on, the first voice countered. I don't want to forget about him. I love him. The second voice stirred. You loved Joseph too, remember? Where is he now? That's right, he married someone else. You're damaged goods Jac. A droplet of blood dribbled down the palm of her hand where the pen nib had pierced her skin. Jac winced as the cut stung. I'm not damaged goods. I'm not. The first voice was defiant but it fought a losing battle. Yes, you are, you're spoilt. You're broken. You're worthless. Look at yourself. Go on, take a long hard look at yourself. You're pregnant with the child of a man who wants nothing more to do with you. How do you sleep at night? Jac closed her eyes. I don't, she thought. I haven't slept a whole night in weeks. Exactly, the second voice told her. You can't sleep because you know you deserve to be punished. But there's nothing you can do to make this right. You brought it on yourself...Jac felt the pen snap with a sharp crack. Her hand was shaking as the shards fell to the floor. The cut was still bleeding but Jac did not care.

Jonny

You're a stupid idiot Jonny Mac. A stupid, stupid, idiot. Jonny paced outside his flat muttering to himself and cursing. She wanted to talk to you. Maybe she wanted to make it right? But, no, you had to call it off. Pretended you were busy just so you could get away. He rung his hands through his hair with exasperation. Don't beat yourself up, it probably wasn't important. I expect Jac just wanted to make a snide remark about nursing or some other such crap that came out of her mouth these days. Ugh. What did I ever see in her? Jonny shook his head. No, that's not fair. I'm not like that. I'm not that person. She made a mistake Jonny. Maybe she wants to put it right?

Jonny stopped pacing to look up at the moonless sky. The blackness of it all felt slightly foreboding, there was no light to guide the way. It was cold too. Much colder than it had been half an hour ago; Jonny regretted his decision not to wear a coat as the wind began to pick up. He didn't care too much though, his mind was working overtime. That long ginger hair, so perfectly combed and so very, very soft. And the way she brushed it out of her eyes with her delicate hands. I miss that. I miss all of it. I miss the way she used to smile at me out of the corner of her mouth. I miss the secret meetings. I miss making her happy. But I can't go back. No, I just can't. Too much has happened this time. Maybe we're not right for each other? Jonny started to pace again, then he stopped for a second time and stared out into the horizon. The city was sleeping, the sounds of life few and far between. None of them cared about his relationship with Jac Naylor, he doubted if they even knew who he was. They would just go about their lives as normal, day by day. Waiting for the inevitable. Perhaps he would see them on Darwin one day. Or perhaps he wouldn't. Jonny breathed heavily as he watched the lights go out one by one in the apartments across the road. Maybe I should fight for her...

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. Chapter 2

PART TWO

JAC

What do I do? He's right there, right in front of me. I can see him, I can hear him speak. He's looking right at me. No, he's looking through me. He doesn't see me. He doesn't want to see me. Maybe I should get his attention? No. If he won't look, that's his problem. I'm not going to run around after him. I can't put my life on hold for him. I have to move on.

JONNY

She's staring. Look away Jonny, don't let her know you're watching. But, she's so beautiful. No Jonny. I can't. Why is she looking at me? Is she about to have a go? I can't deal with this right now. I don't want another row, I can't take another row. That's the true meaning of our relationship isn't it? We're too different. We clash and we row. We argue but it's not just any old arguments, ours are wounding, carefully staged to cause the most damage we can. We know exactly where to hurt each other, and that's why we would never ever work. Not fully.

JAC

We're not that different, now I think about it. We're both temperamental. We're both volatile. We're both fireworks waiting to go off. Stand too close to us and there's a good chance you'll get burnt by the sparks. That's why it worked though. The chemistry draws us together. We crave the reaction, the impulsiveness of it all. Even when Tara died we used it as an excuse to get close. Too close. That night should never have happened. I can't believe we let it. You both wanted it. It was wrong. No, it wasn't. We don't know where to draw the line. The pain we cause and yet we each come back for more.

JONNY

I know I hurt her badly the last time. I know. Yet, she hurt me too, and that wasn't the first time. I shouldn't have said the things I did. I didn't know the full picture. Because she didn't trust you enough to explain. Maybe Jac was scared. She's never been the most trusting girl I've ever known. But, surely she'd trust you? The man she was sleeping with. I would have hoped but maybe the time just wasn't right for her. It never is, is it? She strings you along and expects you to follow her every whim, each unnecessary putdown, each ridiculous secret. She was ashamed of you. No, she still is, because you're just a nurse Jonny Maconie. She's a Consultant. You're beneath her. She knows it, you know it. Stop kidding yourself. Just give up. The sooner you let go, the happier you'll be. She's about to look this way, look down. Close call.

JAC

Was he looking at me? I'm sure I saw him look. He's trying to disguise it by looking at his feet. He was definitely looking. Why is he avoiding my gaze? I'd avoid it too, if I'm honest. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have to tell him the truth. But, what if he doesn't want to hear it? Maybe he's had enough. He wants nothing more to do with me and I don't blame him. Everyone leaves in the end. They all left. Mum, dad, Joseph, Jonny...Nobody stays. Nobody cares. They all claim to care. They all pretend they want to stick around. They all leave. They ruin my life because I can't let them go. They don't even give me a second thought. Is it me? Am I the one who makes it difficult? Am I too difficult to be around? It's not you. Not entirely. That doesn't help how I feel. I've been alone all my life, I deserve some love, some compassion. You were shown love before and what did you do with it? I squandered it. I took it, sucked the life out of it and spat it back in their face. He may have forgiven me but I can never atone for what I did to Joseph. The biggest mistake of my life and it will go with me to my grave.

JONNY

I wish I had the courage to speak. To explain. To say anything. I don't want to fight any more. I don't know if I'm ready to forgive her though. She makes so many people's lives a misery without a care. I don't think she even realises she's hurting them. She can't take criticism, she can't abide being told she's wrong and heaven forbid a nurse undermines her authority. She's complicated. You know how sweet she can be in the right mood. I also know her wrath. As you know hers. Yeah but she can't keep her anger in check. I only have to say or do the wrong thing and she's down on me like a tonne of bricks. I open my mouth, the claws come out. I can't take it. I need her to listen. If we could just talk things through, maybe it could work? She looks worried about something. I wonder what it is. Can she see me looking? No, she's turned away. Something isn't right. There's something on her mind. Something huge. But, everything with Jac is always a drama. Even the smallest thing. I can't take any more drama from her. I suppose that makes me as heartless as her.

JAC

I'm the heartless bitch. That's what they say behind my back. They call me Ice Queen. They point and laugh. They say I'm a robot. They say I'm inhuman, I'm the Devil. I'm pregnant and I feel like I can't say anything because they'll call it the antichrist. I know I'm not easy. I know I have too many defences. I'm not heartless. I've too much heart. I care too much. No, I cared too much. Not any more. I can't do this any longer. The job is all that matters. The job and the child. No more relationships. No more anger, no more hurt. This is the start of a new beginning. This is a new me. He deserves to be told. I will tell him, when the time is right. I will. There's no way back for us, is there? I'm damaged goods aren't I? He knows it and he will always know it. They all know it. Who wants to be with the damaged girl? Who wants to know the loner? Who wants to be associated with the freak? That's what I am. I'm just the abandoned freak.

JONNY

I just want a normal life, a normal family. I want a wife, two kids and a dog. That's my dream. To settle down. I'm not getting any younger. I've got the job I love, people I admire, people I like, people I...love. I don't have it all. Not even close. I thought perhaps I'd found it with Jac. I suppose it's clear now that I was wrong. We were never meant to be. We were never going to work. That does not mean that I am ashamed. I regret the mistakes we made, but I don't regret falling for her. I hope she knows that. We may never be together again but it was not a waste. I have to get over her don't I? Yes. It's time to move on. She's coming this way.

JAC

I'm going to tell him. I'm going to explain everything. What if now is not the right time? It doesn't matter. He has to know. He's turned away, you've missed your chance. Another time? It has to be. All alone again Jac. How that never changes. It's like an old friend, a constant companion. The only thing that will never ever leave you. Loneliness. Can't you feel it bite?

TO BE CONTINUED


	3. Chapter 3

PART THREE

JAC

What do I do? What do I say? I don't even know how to begin. I don't know where to start. How do you tell your ex you're pregnant? How do you break it to him gently? Maybe it's better to tell it to him straight? I'm pregnant, it's yours, deal with it. But, no, that wouldn't do. Jonny's already angry with me, I don't need to make it any worse. Ha. Ha. Ha. I'm Jac Naylor. I don't need to make it any worse, I'll do that without even realising. I don't know what it is about me, it's like I'm cursed. Everything I touch turns black. Everything associated with me wilts and dies. Jonny will freak out. I know he will. He's not ready to be a father. He's still young, he wants to be free. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe this is just what he needs? Perhaps a child together will show us what we truly want. It doesn't mean we will be together, I know that. I just hope we can be friends, or at least civil, for the child's sake. Ugh. Why do I care how he reacts? It's not my problem. The child is his. That's an indisputable fact. I don't have to care how he takes it. He just has to know. Caring is not an advantage. My shell protects me. I'm stronger the less I care. The child only needs me. No one else. Just me. I survived on my own. That's not true though is it Jac? You pretend you don't care, but you care more than the rest of them. You shield yourself from harm but no one can see the cracks. Every day another crack, every day you shield yourself further. They're starting to show. You can't hide forever. You can't keep protecting yourself. Sooner or later you're going to break. The pieces will fly, they will scatter and you will be powerless to save yourself. By then nobody will want to help, nobody will care. You may think that you're saving yourself, that the shield protects you. But you're wrong Jac, you're so very very wrong. He needs to know.

JONNY

Maybe I ought to ask Mo? She's my best friend after all. We don't speak as much recently. I see her talking to Jac but I don't know what to say. I don't know what I'm meant to do. I keep thinking about that night. The night, Tara...I'd rather not think about that. But we slept together. She needed me and I was there. She's acted so strangely ever since that night. Think Jonny think. You know what it could be. No, she wouldn't let herself. She's careful. I don't think she wants a child. How would I feel about it though? It's not as if we're in stable relationship. Not that it ever was. I'm not as open as I appear. I have my secrets. I can't blame her for everything. I can't...

JAC

I'm going to tell him, I'm going to bite the bullet and just tell that grumpy, singing, irritating, slightly attractive Scot I'm pregnant. I'm going to tell him today. I just have to find the right moment. We're both on shift. That's as good a time as I'm ever likely to get. In any case, I can't hide it forever. I will begin to show eventually, it's better that he knows now. I don't want to upset him by leaving him out of it. We may not be together but it's not the child's fault. It deserves to have a father. Jonny will be a good father. He has that knack with children, I doubt that I'll ever have it. I'm useless. Why am I even having this child? Why? I don't deserve to be a mother. I don't deserve any happiness. If I could turn back the clock...no you wouldn't. Wouldn't I? You wouldn't change what's happened. You wanted to get pregnant. Deep down, you hoped. You're not getting any younger. Each day that passed made the likelihood of conception slimmer. Better to have the child now. How many women have left it too long, only to find they can't conceive? But I don't think I should be a mother. I don't think I can give this child what it needs. What she needs. She? You've already decided the sex. I know I'm having a girl. I just know it. There's nothing more to say. Whenever I think about my child, I think of my daughter. I want her to be healthy, to have long flowing hair, well defined features and a better personality than I could ever hope to possess. I want her to be happy. I want her to love and cherish, to have and hold. She will learn from the mistakes that I've made. She will learn the truth of who I am.

JONNY

We're on shift soon. Maybe today's the day I find out what's going on? I hope so. I can't take this tension any more. I think I know what's going on, but I can't be sure. I don't know what I want. I don't know if I can trust her. What if she lies to me? What if she conceals the truth? The full story. I want to trust. I want to forgive. I think I'm still in love with her. What good is dreaming? Nothing was ever real. Yeah, maybe. Maybe not. If she is pregnant, then the child is very much real. Whatever the truth, only time will tell. I just, I don't know. It's like I'm on a seesaw swinging one way or the other. Up down. Up down. I can't make it stop, I can't get off. I feel so indecisive, I feel so detached. How are you supposed to be like with someone when looking at them makes you feel...everything. I look at her and I see hate, I see anger, I see love, I see lust, desire, friendship. She's embedded inside my heart. I can't just write her off. I remember the first time we met...a happier time. A calmer time. Before it all became like this...broken. Chin up Jonny, maybe today is the start of something new. For both of you. Yeah, maybe.

JAC

For the first time in ages, I finally feel ready. I finally know what I have to do. It's not going to be easy, but it's the best I have. It's down to him now, it's his choice how he reacts. It's in his hands. Well, not quite yet. I still have to tell him. I've made the decision, now it's the hard part...

THE END


End file.
